day 3

Its been 8 days since Shauna's surgery. Which is 8 days without her here. Since the surgery Dr Elche and Dr Adams have been back and forth regarding Shauna's case. Her vitals dropped so low that they had no choice but to move toward life support. Shauna's life now hangs on a thread and we can do nothing to save her.

I never thought that it would come to this. Her body has given up on her, that's the one thing I keep thinking. And the other thing I keep thinking is that she's such an amazing person and this world would really have a big hole in it if she wasn't here. Since Shauna's surgery I've been attending prayer meetings every evening at the church. They started this in honor of Shauna, a prayer meeting will be held every evening up until she wakes up. And I feel like that's just about the only thing I can do for her, attend those prayer meetings. When I attend Dr Elche stays here and covers my shift for me, and tonight's the first night I'm not there. My goodness!

So I've titled this blog "Day3" because on Tuesday Dr Elche had a meeting with her "medical signatory" (basically the person who decides and consents on her behalf if she's unable to) who has decided to give Shauna 7 days to recover and basically wake up. If there has been no improvements, life support will cease so today is day 3 and there has been no changes other than the spike in Shauna's heart rate and blood pressure today, thereafter it went back down again.

She's fighting it, I know! I can feel it! I just wish she'd just wake up and yell at everybody for being worried already! I even threatened to stop making smoothies and that got me nowhere!

Keep your thoughts with her, I have been wearing an orange ribbon in support of her.

Shauna, you're the rose beyond the wall is what I keep whispering to her, she understands it.

Thank you for reading
Kelly

midnight challenges

I don't think that I ever have seen or ever will see Dr Elche AND Dr Adams so angry and frustrated in my life! And now, so exhausted. Right now, Dr Elche is asleep at Shauna's bedside in a chair waiting for her to wake up, Dr Adams is asleep in the doctors lounge, both are exhausted from an eight hour surgery last night and then exhausting calls back and forth between our sponsors and the other hospital.

Shauna's case is currently under investigation therefore I am not at liberty to explain why the internal bleeding was only detected last night. Dr Elche immediately called for urgent surgery to take place and to get started within an hour. We all rushed and ran around like headless chicken. We got all the available TeamShauna doctors and they pitched in with Dr Elche being the lead surgeon. When operating, the doctors found what caused the serious drop in blood pressure and other vitals.

Shauna also lost quite a bit of blood but the operation itself was a success though halfway through some complications occurred. Dr Elche got Shauna cleared and she's doing much better right now.

And Shauna proved herself to be a fighter last night. She pulled through really much better than expected. We will be monitoring her closely and try to bring you all updates as regularly as possible.

With all the above, we have postponed her procedure that has been planned until further notice.

Thank you for reading, Kells

Letter from Tyler

I don't know if you all know, when we were at the previous hospital Shauna volunteered her time to read to some children there. And they all loved her, she gave them each Superhero names and even made banners above their beds with these names. She was a real light in their lives. These kids had cancer, different types and Shauna gave them all something to believe in. Its what they loved most about her and they will always hold th time they had with her close to their hearts. Tyler was always more attached to Shauna and he always asked for her. When she was sick, he'd come to visit her. Tyler, had cancer and had a remission a few weeks ago, he starts school next year as a normal boy. His guardian is extremely proud of his progress and is forever grateful to Shauna for the time spent with him.

The hospital had a "Dear Santa" drive, to get children to write letters to Santa saying what they would like for Christmas, they asked Tyler of he could write a letter too. And he did, the nurses then told him to bring the letter to myself when he came to visit Shauna after she had read it. Here is the letter:

Dear Santa

My name is Tyler, you probably know me by now. I imagine that you know some Angels in heaven and my aunt says that they talk about me a lot, I hope they say good things. If you know angels, then you might be able to grant me this one very important wish. I don't want toys or money, I just want you to make my friend Shauna better.

I know she's not little anymore, but I think that she deserves a chance to get something. She's so cool, she even made me a superhero when I was sick and she said that if I get better I can do cool and amazing things. Santa she made me want to get better and now I am. She helped me read and write and now I get to go to school next year because I think that her superpower is to make everyone better even though she won't say it.

But I don't think she can make herself better, so Santa please ask the angels to make her better so she can make more people better. I promise to be good my whole life and I will not kick her doctor anymore, I just want her to get better please.

Thank you for reading my letter Santa.

PS. Santa can you also make Abbys dreams come true please, she's also Green Lantern and I think she's nice.

Bye Santa

Isn't that just the most adorable letter in the world? I had no words for it, I grabbed Tyler so tight and gave him the biggest hug of his life and I just said that I will give it to Santa myself.

Thanks for reading

Kelly

the approval

Hello all readers

It seems that Shauna's condition has shaken some big heads around town, Dr Elche has got an approval email confirming that the procedure intended for Shauna has "the green light". We all know that at some point Shauna had to make a really tough decision about a procedure which was quite risky, she agreed to this and even signed the contract. We were planning on moving forward with it on 17 November, then the date changed to 21 November and then 28 November because we had been waiting on confirmation for so long.

Dr Elche has already set the requirements forward and the Medical Center has been cooperative in terms of its usage here. They are more than willing for us to do this procedure here provided that student doctors may come on board to observe its findings. Dr Elche will present to the board in the morning the possibility of the procedure take effect on Friday and is willing to take all the necessary steps in ensuring it happens. He and Dr Adams are discussing this right now. As for details, I will give them as and when the procedure takes place. We will put together all the information and so on and I'll give you all a walk through.

Shauna has agreed to this.

Speaking of our superhero... She's doing okay, her vitals are extremely low and Shauna has lost 13kg in the time she had been away which is barely a week. Her body seems to be fighting back. Dr Elche has explained that Shauna has been through an extreme amount of treatments, therapies and procedures and her body has taken most of it. Right now her health is deteriorating and its only a matter of time before it gets worse. We have given her medication to increase her blood pressure and if her breathing doesn't get better soon, we will put her onto an oxygen machine to assist her.

I can only imagine how hard this may be for some of you, and I am only praying that things gets better. And we all know what Shauna would say to us: Believe. And that's what I am holding on to.

Thank you for reading

Kelly

what a night!

Last night, well morning seeing as we've fought with these doctors since the minute we got in, we managed to clarify some things. For now, we're completely focused on getting Shauna okay. She's fine just in case you're freaking out with concern. Rest is what she needs to do right now. We're not giving her any medication as the doctors who have initially tended to her gave her medication which she is not to take so we are monitoring the situation.

Also, I had a yell session with Shauna's family this morning. Explaining to them the very seriousness of Shauna's situation that they have suddenly blinded themselves to.

We're just waiting on test results and Dr Elche is online with the medical board who demands that an investigation be done.

Just for your information, when calling any emergency ambulance service do the following:
1- Always give them the proper details such as where you are and directions would speed up the process
2- Always give them details to what happened, saying she collapsed on a staircase is NOT sufficient! They need to know more such as what she ate, is she injured, is she conscious, etc.
3- Always give them PROPER medical info, such as the patient has leukemia
4- Don't move the person around or try to wake them yourself if they are not conscious. Let the ambulance then tell you what you should/should not do.
5- GO WITH THEM! Insist on it, don't rock up hours later because everyone wanted to get dressed!

That's all from me

Kelly

emergency alert! emergency alert

That's the sound my phone makes when Dr Elche calls. I set it that way because he always only calls if its an emergency. And today was that day.

This evening I got a call from Dr Elche saying that Dr Adams will come get me. Shauna was rushed to hospital and he's on his way over there already. I had my bags packed already for my trip on Sunday to Shauna so there wasn't really much to worry about other than what the emergency was. Dr Adams and I eventually made it to meet up with Dr Elche in a small town and I got into Dr Elche's car. He then asked me to make contact with the hospital. What is generally a 6 hour drive to George ended up being a 3.5 hour drive... Seriously. They both drove as quickly as possible. And for most of the trip I tried making contact with the hospital trying to find out what is happening and why she was transferred there and not to the hospital in the town she was staying in. Oh the frustration! The doctors were all unavailable due to them being caught up with other patients and we had no idea of what was going on up until we got there.

Dr Elche got a call just before letting Dr Adams know advising him only that Shauna has been admitted and that no further info was available, so you could understand our rush in getting there. When we got to the hospital, we were ready, laptop and charts and everything available. And guess what... We didn't know what to do with it. The doctor we were looking for was unavailable as it was his tea break and the nurses were confused as they didn't even know we were coming. I headed straight to find out what's happening and Dr Adams checked the charts while Dr Elche was looking for Shauna's family to find out what's happened.

Eventually we got things together, Shauna collapsed on a staircase. We don't know the extent and seriousness of the situation. Only after they had admitted her they saw the tag with her leukemia status and Dr Elche's details and that's when they made contact with him and gave her no further treatment or medication.

Right now, we have a meeting with the hospital director, oncology head and the doctor and nurse whom have been dealing with Shauna. The three of us are really confused and frustrated and we'll be dealing with these doctors to figure out what has happened as we still can't get hold of her family.

I need to leave now, and Dr Elche has confirmed that all updates will be posted as soon as we have the correct information. This may take all night.

Thanks for reading.

Kelly

hello hello hello

Hi readers :) I am so terribly sorry for not updating my blog of late. We have so many things we need to plan and I have been drowning in paper work and of course our hero who knows not of rest has been talking to me about going "paperless" and how that can help me and the team. And its working like a dream. So much simpler and I can see some happy trees out there :)

So our lovely lady has now also been released for home. I can picture all those smiles on your faces with confusion in the back of your minds. Last week we had the sponsors with external assistance running some painful tests and putting Shauna through the worst kind of procedures to test and push her further. I'll give you info on their findings in a second. Their determination was basically that she can continue through the trials, now Shauna was the one who initially requested the contract extension. She wants to see the trials through. From her side it was noble, from our sponsors side it was an excuse for torment (Dr Elche... I hope they don't know about the blog!) , I'm just expressing myself. I cannot imagine the amount of pain she took with a simple smile like its going to be okay. Its noble and respectable. Their determination (in basic English) was that Shauna is fit to proceed with the trials and procedures which are coming forth. Shauna's ability to handle enormous amounts of strenuous treatment and tormenting tests are noble. She's okay to move forward with her procedure and then an extension of 18 months further care( to be reassessed at the final month) will be provided by Dr Elche and his team. Treatments have been helping Shauna, it is without doubt that Shauna's situation is rare however the contribution made by these treatments and trials have been enormous. She's making a remarkable recovery and we trust that pushing forward she will be able to shift her current cancer status with the help of this trial. - yes, that's their stamp of approval, isn't that just great?

Over and above that, the sponsors asked Dr Elche if it would be advisable to send her home, which he agreed to. This is how it all went down. Shauna's home now and Sunday morning will travel the very long and bright road to Oudtshoorn which she is very excited. She'll be there for two weeks and will return to prepare for her procedure thereafter. I'm so proud of her, she's really improving. Sometimes I think that this cannot possibly be all science out there, somehow and in some way Shauna's will to survive is just too strong for her to give up. And that makes her a real hero.

Oh and before I leave... I just need to like boast about this in every way possible... I am no longer "single" or "dating" I am now, bewedded (I always wanted to say that)... Yes, apparently running off to weird places with the absolute love of your life just returns you as married, well in my case, I'm all life partnered up!

Thanks for reading :-)
Kelly

I'm back

Oooooh I am back ladies and gents :) back to have some fun... Thank you Alex for all your updates on our superhero, I guess you're better at this than me. You will be missed when you're gone.

So, anyone want some info on our superhero? She's doing extra great now that she's got smoothies coming back. I heard that there was a failed attempt at making these... Shauna, I swear that I won't leave you smoothieless again. She's been quite tough, the trial assessors (being our sponsors) are here assessing the success of the trials thus far and whether Shauna should be continuing or not and further assessing the succession of the trials. Shauna has been put through a ridiculous amount of painful testing and procedures and still has two more days of this kind of scrutiny (I think its spelt that way). And for now, we can do nothing but hope she's okay, if at any point she can't cope she has to let them know. Yeah! Like that will happen!

She's strong, and has been strong all this time, I know she'll do okay. She's managed to walk a bit better, and is able to hold a significant pace so we're all proud.

That's enough from me for now, I'll have to get back to the hospital now.

Thanks for reading

Kellsie

thank you

I've read through Kelly's blog and noticed some odd thank you messages to those who support Shauna. And here's a little thank you from my side! Shauna is the closest thing to a friend I have ever had. I only wish that I knew her for much longer, such as since the day I was born. Every second I am around her I realise so much more how much she really means to me, she's been such a good influence on my life and since I've known her I cannot imagine a day without her. She generally doesn't get much support for what she's going through and honestly I suck at being there for her and I don't mean it like I don't try, but I just don't know how to be positive about it or to be positive around her, so we have a rule that we just don't talk about it. Its that simple. So we avoid th discussion while deep down inside I fear the worst for her. So I check in with doctors and think about all these bad things they keep telling me. How terrible. Other than me, I can only think of her mother, brother and sister who have constantly shown that they care, others do pop by and check up on her and email her on the odd occasion but its never a consistent thing like she somehow disappears from their thoughts and somehow one day it hits them to email her or something. I get it, people have enough things on their plate rather than be concerned about a cancer person but I just hate them! I am sorry if your life is too busy for another person, if you're not going to care, THEN DON'T!

BUT! Alas! I hear of others who do care... to those inside Shauna's little blackberry (HA! YES), the ones who call themselves #TeamShauna.. This one's for you! So here my thank you goes:

Angela, first I just need to compliment you on your strength. You are amazing. I hear so much about you from Shauna and I'm glad you're in her life, she needs a strong influence like yours, someone who reminds her why she fights, why she pushes forward and why she makes this impact she does. I love how much you love her, she always talks about how strong you are, and it touches my heart every time I listen because somehow I know that's her, she's that strong and she barely sees it herself, so thank you for being her mother out there.

Brigitte, you are so beautiful! She always talks about how you and Lili and Colin just lights up her day. There is a picture at her bedside of Lili & Colin with a "get well soon" message and it absolutely lights her up when she sees it. I can honestly imagine how busy your life must be and every bit of time you take to just send her your love and let her know you're thinking about her means so much to her AND ME! So thank you for being so wonderful! Thank you for being loving toward her!

Sonjya! Sonjya! Sonjya! The amount of love you and your family have toward Shauna is so overwhelming! She thinks the world of you and always says that you're the big sis she looks up to and the big sis who completes her life! So thank you for being that big sis, and that role model. The amount of faith you have in her makes up for every second of doubt I have. So thank you!

Aby! The writer! You are amazing! Your writing is in a book at Shauna's desk and she ALWAYS reads that damn book! ALWAYS! And when I'm there, she'll be like "Alex, did you see Aby's text about..." And I'm like "Yes, only like the 200 times you've showed me" I love the power in your writing! It is so beautiful and strong and powerful and I just love it! So thank you for your words, your words which shows Shauna how much she means to you, thank you for loving (or sunning) Shauna so much! Thank you!

Merce'! Thank you for your beautiful messages and pictures and texts for Shauna. When you send her this text, she texts it to me. Saying: Alex! See what Merce' sent me! So thank you for inspiring her day, for brighting it up when she needs most.

Jody! Shauna's little sun! When Shauna talks about you, I feel the energy and just have to either burst out laughing or I just have this crazy mind rush! Thank you for being Shauna's reality! Thank you for always talking to her and sharing thing things with her, it makes her realise that she has a bigger purpose than just being sick, she can be there for someone else! So thank you!

Dana, I hope you read this. You are so lovely and beautiful and talented and I hope the day will come to learn this! Shauna still talks about you, so much about how inspiring you are. And she checks on your tweets, just to make sure you're okay. When she does that she says a little prayer for you to be kept safe. Thank you for being that for her, for giving her a reason, a reason to fight! I'm sure you'd know what I am referring to.

Erica, I know that I was missing a name! I am so sorry, I just became dumbstruck and saw the really adorable cat that I have :) I've heard quite a bit about you and I am so sorry about your grandmother. I know it is NOT easy at all to lose someone. And thank you for inspiring her, with your talks about faith and believing and hope! Thank you, its amazing how much you have contributed to her sanity over here!

And just know this (if I haven't said your name too) that every second you take to speak to her is a second you make her smile.

So that's from me, I know that I may have forgotten one or two and I'll punish myself about it a bit later, but I need to disappear for a bit.

Thanks for the read
Alex

heroes heroes where art thou heroes

Did that just make any sense?

I just had such an interesting conversation with our local superhero, and I've officially titled this conversation the title of this blog post. Somewhere in my mind there is a cabinet with files and folders and this cabinet is labeled "Shauna" and the folder named "Heroes, Heroes, where for art thou Heroes" and Shauna and I were conversing about it actually this morning. We were saying that this day and age is when heroes are needed most. Don't you all agree? Superman managed to stop a war (well a few), bring down crime, screw over corruption, stopping crazy alien invasions and saved the simple people like you and me and through all of this he was a role model. Jerry Siegel once said that we're all heroes in our own way, and we may not have the abilities like superman that can fly, shoot fire from his eye, run faster than a speeding bullet and so on but its in us. So what ever happened to that, the kids who played outside pretending to be superheroes, the awesome games you'd play with your friends outside, the not so hurtful words you'd throw at your friends.. Where did that all go? What happened to the kids who lived like that? I'm not asking it.. It was Shauna's thoughts but made me realise the same thing.. Its so strange how the world is today compared to what it was growing up.

Its just a thought I'm throwing out there.

Shauna's doing great. Well, getting there at least (think positive, think positive). She's walking on her own, limping but walking. Seems like our Garden Route trip may just plan out after all...

She's been holding strong on her treatments too. She takes it hard but she's ready and prepared. I'm proud!

Well, that's me for now.

Alex

busy times

So now Shauna's doing so much better. Everyone can see that she's getting stronger and stronger everyday. Yesterday she managed to walk 3 times across her room, and when she went the third time she let go of her support, which is her walking stick. When she got to the window she collapsed but still that is very fucking awesome! I thought it was so amazing! And of course James had this mini heart attack when she fell down (cute). I just love how protective he is of her, I think its adorable!

So Shauna signed the consent for this new procedure that the doctors are proposing. It sounds pretty scary but I trust Shauna to make the decisions that are good for her. So I'm supporting whatever she's okay and comfortable with. The procedure is intense and quite painful, as far as I am aware its only been done 3 times and not once successful. But I can see that these doctors are working around the clock on researching this matter! And they were able to answer any questions we had. So I am confident that this may work. The date confirmed for this procedure is 16 Novemeber - 1 December. Its pretty intense and I know I'll screw it up so if you wanna know more ask either James or Shauna, they'll know how to answer you.

And then the results, James says that Shauna's stable for now but any spike's in her blood pressure could trigger another panic fit, she doesn't need additional stresses... You hear that family?! I should slap that all in their faces. But we're moving on... Her body's responses to treatments are still the same, but it seems like she's handling things better. She also has made impressive progress in physio, showing off her willpower. I'm so proud of her.

Tests revealed that she has no scary things like tumors and stuff and no clots either.. Let's all party!!!

That's all for now :)
Alex

family

I should slap my internet connection! I updated the blog last night and guess what happened?! It shut out just when I clicked on "publish post"! Okay, so I'll try and piece together everything I did last night and do this again...

To start us off, I have a quote from the 1978 Superman movie. Its when Clark (Superman) and his biological father talk inside the fortress of solitude:

Young Clark Kent: Who am I?

Jor-El: Your name is Kal-El. You are the only survivor of the planet Krypton. Even though you've been raised as a human, you are not one of them. You have great powers, only some of which you have as yet discovered.

So yesterday Shauna's family gathered at her bedside. They had been planning a family visit for a while, but because they have so many issues they've delayed it. Since Shauna lost her memory, they've been pushing harder for this visit. So this happened yesterday. It was quiet at first and then discussions boiled about a family gathering. At first Shauna hardly paid note, her brother was there talking to me and she was distracting herself. James was in the room too, observing just in case it became too much for her. He noticed her pale disoriented look at some point and asked if she was okay and of course her reply was "I'm fine, no need to worry" yeah, who expected that?

As their arguing and bitching got more Shauna rolled over into a fit! James immediately reacted, called a distress for a nurse and Dr Adams. And shoved everyone out of the room. All that I could do was sit with her sister and hold her hand. Shauna's brother, sister, myself and her mother were all quiet. But the others had cause to talk utter shit! Judging the relationship Shauna and James has as if it was up for discussion and then talking about Shauna dying. Do these people evern have fucking hearts?! Seriously! I should beat the living crap out of them and I swear if I didn't respect Shauna's mother I would have killed them all!

When James walked out, they all got up ready to torment her again and then James spoke to them "until you all learn to respect Shauna enough to put your bullshit aside and be her family only immediate family are allowed in the room" and we "immediate family" went. Before going in I stopped James, asked what was wrong and he said that Shauna went into a panic fit and her blood pressure and heart rate was sky high (I can't remember the figures) and when I got back into the room Dr Adams was busy doing her checks again and she was asleep.

I have spoken to James again this morning and he said that she's doing okay, resting still and threw up a bit but she's doing much better.

I need to go for now, I'll be getting test results later and post them.

Thanks for reading.

alex

Proud "adopted" sister

Shauna, saved my life. She did, literally and well in all other ways possible. At the beginning of the year, I was almost I don't know what, well probably robbed or something outside a bar we were both at, I went to the car, to get my cigarettes. I was partially drunk, but felt the sudden need to smoke outside. Standing by my car, I lit up one and a guy came around to me. In my almost drunken state of mind, I conversed with him. He just said "Hi" and lit up a smoke with me. I didn't notice much of what he was happening at the time nor did I pay any attention to his other arm bracing a knife. He pushed me down with the knife onto the car. I barely fought back but Shauna came from behind him with Dylan (our friend) and kicked his ass! Without question! He somehow escaped and Shauna just ran to me. So yeah, she's a hero. And I absolutely HATE cancer for doing this to her.

Consider all the bad people on this planet and think, just for one second, think 'why her?' Its the hardest question to answer and don't, don't even try to ask her! She will just piss you off with one of her nice answers like "but Alex, there are no bad people in this world, just good people who do bad things" or "I wouldn't want anyone going through this" it makes you love her more on the one hand, because she's just so amazing, but then you wanna turn and slap her! I love her like that. She's not perfect, she's done her wrongs, and has flaws (not really) and at the end of the day, you look at her and smile because she is just so loving and wonderful. There's this cleaner, I don't know who he is, or what his name is but he comes around and cleans the floors and so on around here, and she talks to him! I mean! Really! She converses with him about his family and his kids and where he's from. It bothers me sometimes. She hasn't even been out that much, but you could ask her about anything or anyone and she'll be able to tell you who they are, where they're from, their family, what they do, EVERYTHING!

So I'm typically proud of her all the time. She's so amazing and so wonderful. I'd give anything if it meant that she would be okay (even my mother's blood - yes, she's the only match to Shauna that I know of - truestory). I love her so much and it upsets me that she doesn't get to experience things that she wants to. LIKE yesterday! I could see the broken down look on her face and the tears in her eyes, and just the hurt she had when James held her to comfort her. Shauna and I have had the same level of appreciation for music since we've met. We've been through some strange music phases from pop to house to jazz to rock to punk to metal... It goes on... And on and on. So we both love music and since I first recall we both had a certain kind of respect for Coldplay. And I remember her saying that she had been waiting so long for them to just come here! When Coldplay announced their tour dates for South Africa, Shauna IMMEDIATELY bought a Golden Circle ticket for us both. Making sure we'd be able to go before it gets sold out. The concert was yesterday, and she couldn't go. She finally sold her ticket yesterday and FORCED me to be there. Broke my heart to pieces! It sucks so badly that somneeone like this does not get to go and live their dreams! Its not fair! I would have easily swopped this situation so that she can freely enjoy her time there! Its not fair!

For today, she managed to walk 8 steps! How awesome is that?! Its like 7 better than one! And it makes me more and more proud to know her!

For now, she's asleep. Worn out from treatments she had earlier. I hope she'll be awake before I leave...

Alex

I'm Alex

So... This is SavingASuperhero... Perfect. I like this title Kelly! Great job! Its actually the first time I've read the blog, to be honest, I've read snippets but not all the posts. Again... Great Job Kelly!

So I am Alex, Shauna's best friend... Oops I meant adopted sister (that gets me in outside visiting hours) and I just love her! She's so NICE! I'm nasty, bitchy and depressive but Shauna... She's nice. We complement each other like that. Like superman and greenarrow. Just perfect! No, I haven't known her my entire life, and as her "adopted sister" I wish I did. Seriously! She's been so great, but I'm more badass ;)

Shauna's so amazing, I don't think people see it much but she's a real superhero. that's what I love about this blog title, these guys over here are really saving a superhero. She is so strong and I am convinced that she's superhuman! Definitely from Krypton. Who ON EARTH could go through half the things she does? Would you? I know I wouldn't, the minute I hear cancer, I'd die... Just because I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

And again! SHE'S SO NICE! Here's a good example: she has this ex, he's a bright idiot! They dated for a while (like 2 years) and he dumped her with a TEXT message, and why? BECAUSE SHE HAD CANCER! What a damn jerk?! And all she says is "its okay, I understand" noooooo Shauna! You don't let anyone do that to you and say "its okay"! Seriously! Then this idiot has the NERVE to invite her to his wedding, which she "RESPECTFULLY" declined! Whyyyyyy Shauna, WHY?! I even suggested going all green arrow and blowing up the place or ruining the wedding somehow and she refuses to let me intervene! Why does he get the happy ending? Someone explain this to me please?! *sigh*

Okay, done with the anger outburst. I'm glad she has someone like James now, he respects her and doesn't treat her differently. He's decent and makes her laugh, he keeps her happy.

Shauna was doing okay today, she had her treatments which made her a bit sick but after that, she was quite well. And of course, she was her normal self again making fun of everything, and destroying me with her cancer jokes. Funny, Shauna funny. Also, she had some tests done today, hopefully I'll be able to get some info on that and get it posted up here somehow. Other than all the treatments and crazy tests, she's okay. As okay as can be.

Alex

a simple update

Hi all you lovely readers! So I've been a busy girl and sort of enjoying it. Wow! I have all these new duties and I am getting used to them. It is quite interesting going through all this, for me at least. I have 6 nurses whom I lead and meet with to discuss things and I organise things and its all so cool! I'm enjoying it.

Shauna is doing quite well. She has been making progress, and good progress. She also seems to be taking her treatment a bit better. I had a quick discussion with Dan regarding her physio report. Seems good, Shauna is able to control foot movement and still not legwork. She has been trying to do this too, knowing Shauna, she'll be running around soon again.

Also, Dr Elche and Dr Adams have been researching some "options" and have come across a procedure that may be effective. The work done one this procedure itself is minimal and it has only been experimented thrice and this has been unsuccessful twice. However Dr Adams has so much faith in this, it will aslo be "useful" inline with Shauna's treatment and Dr Adams has now proposed this treatment to Shauna for consideration. Shauna is currently thinking about it and Dr. Elche is doing further extensive research on it and will advise our sponsors and medical board of his findings and opinion. They are hoping to finalise a decision as soon as possible. Shauna seems optimistic about this and has said that she's considering it. I really don't know much about this kind of thing, but I assure you if Shauna does proceed with it, I will post more information. And I will have Dr Elche give me that information once he has finalised his research.

On another note, I will be on "leave" for the next two weeks. My partner and I will be moving next week and we'll be heading to Kimberly to visit her family for a few days, leaving bright and early Monday morning. Alex, Shauna's friend will be updating the blog in my absence and she'll be updating as much as she can. Though I will call Shauna on the odd occasion to check in on her.

Thank you all for reading

Kellsie :-)

hello

Hey all you readers, so sorry for not being this consistent with the blog, so many things happening at the same time.

We managed to do Shauna's treatments this morning and later this afternoon she had some physio with Dan who says that she is improving, but pushes herself too hard, BAD SHAUNA! Dr Elche called an emergency meeting yesterday to discuss some "urgent matters". I nearly had a heart attack! We spoke of many issues, one of which shocked the life out of me! Dr Salie, Dr Eltoe and Dr Mbekela have all resigned from this program, and not for any negative reasons. Dr Salie has been offered a position with the WHO, Dr Eltoe has decided to start his own practice and Dr Mbekela has been offered something a bit closer to home in Johannesburg. Guys, I wish you all well and I know you read this blog every so often. Know that we'll miss your presence.

Dr Elche said that he'll sit with me through the more admin side of what I'm required to do... I love my new job! Head nurse! Yeah! I rock! And he's set me up with the necessary equipment (laptop, office, the whole 20 yards)! Thanks Dr E ;-) and he has also said that we may need to consider employment of an additional nurse crew, possibly within the hospital. This he'll chat to me about.

Another topic was Shauna's latest test results which did not prove to be that great, the treatments seems to be helping her but her body is so weak and tired of all this that its not necessarily working at hand with the treatment plans. Dr Elche and Dr Adams are busy reviewing and investigating various options and have suggested something to Shauna to consider. Once Shauna has made a final decision about this, I will post some information.

Other than her test results, she's doing fine for now. She's been trying to keep her sleep patterns in order and is getting better, she just needs to take things a bit slow and understand that she's not as strong as she used to be. Some superheroes never learn.

That's all for now, thanks for reading.

Kelly

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!

Woah! I have too much to say right now! Gee! So many things happened since friday and I can't list them all!!! But let me just say that Shauna's brother can put together one KICKASS party! WOW! What a fun night we had!!!!

Okay let's start this all off:

Friday, some good news hit us. During Shauna's physio Dan noticed something strange, Shauna was able to move her foot! Yes! Her left foot! She could move it around like left, right, etc. Just the foot and not her leg yet. That's REALLY an improvement in physio and Dan is so proud of her. It may not seem to be a big deal to you, but I swear for someone who's wheelchair bound its amazing and Dan believes that she may be able to walk soon. We hope. But this is great news. Seems like pushing it managed to work. And of course this crazy one still attempts jumping out of the bed and tries to get out of her wheelchair but no... She can fall so many times but she'll keep trying! Failure does not seem to be an option here.

And then for those of you who took part in our leukemia awareness program on Friday, THANK YOU all so much. It wasn't just about Shauna, its about the many others out there too, those who've lost loved ones and those who are struggling. Shauna showed me some pictures sent to her. Its beautiful seeing people take part in something like this. As Team Shauna here, we gathered some of the doctors around the hospital to meet in Shauna's room. What was really beautiful was seeing so many of the staff around the hospital wearing their orange ribbons in support for Shauna and popping in on occasion to let her know that she is in their thoughts and prayers. The service itself was a success from what her mother said. The church hall was full of family and friends of Shauna as well as the church youth group, their young adults group and senior members in the church, with some others who felt the need to share their stories in testimony. They lit a candle for Shauna at the church to burn at every service or gathering in support of our superhero. And of course everyone who attended wore an orange shirt. At the service the church put together a book filled with messages for Shauna and this was handed to her yesterday. So beautiful. Shauna also said that her emails got clogged up with supportive thoughts and inspirational and motivational emails to help her through this. Thank you, is all I can say not on her behalf alone, but behalf of our team. Its good to know that we too have a purpose here.

Well, here's where our superhero proves herself. The hospital Shauna is admitted in is on a mainroad that connects two very busy areas in Cape Town, and this road is busy day and night. Shauna's room is on the first floor at the front entrance to the hospital, its right opposite the first nurse station. And on Friday night, what seemed to be a drunken dispute between 2 men turned to a gang fight. We still have had no explanation to this, Shauna and I were in her room and heard these two men arguing and with them were two others and 3 women. Its somewhat normal for drunkards to start an argument around here and the front security guard moved to break the fight up. When he moved out of the gate, Shauna noticed quite a few people rushing toward the fight it seemed like quite a lot. Shauna moved her wheelchair closer to the window and yelled at the guard but he didn't hear her and got caught between the fight. He got stabbed in his right shoulder and the second front guard managed to pull him to safety. However, things got insane. The fight grew bigger and somehow managed to filter to the front lot of the hospital. 3 or the nurses finishing their shift also got caught between the ruffle and was rushed in by medics. And as the fight got out of hand, Shauna made contact with the police who couldn't get here quick enough and called the inspector who helped her out with the home affairs case. The police were there within 2 minutes and Shauna managed to wheel her wheelchair to the front entrance to help an elderly woman who was afraid for her life. She brought the woman inside and made clear the front entrance for medics to load patients. I don't know HOW on earth she managed all this. And Dr Elche immediately voiced his concerns about security again with the hospital director! Explaining the risks involved. But the fact that Shauna instinctively moved like that to help someone else and make way was just amazing. When the medics were loading some of the people, Shauna asked some of the nurses to bring towels and blankets to helps them. Then she moved to get water and tissues. Like I said! A superhero at heart!

Saturday morning Shauna's brother said that he was having a party and made an arrangement with the doctors board to have her there. Just so that you all know, in South Africa, Saturday was Heritage Day and its a day for us all to be proud of. Its a celebration of our diverse cultures and specially our individuality. So he smashed together a party for Saturday night and MY MY MY it was EPIC! He invited myself, partner and Dr Elche too. And we got on our feet the minute we got there. And of course our strong willed and stubborn hero refused to use a wheelchair and insisted on crutches for the night. After the party Shauna went home with the good Dr Elche... I wonder...

So that's it from me for now, well about our eventful two days. Shauna's back at the hospital with now beefed up security and on dial police service and new adventures. She's doing okay, physio today was good but treatment took its toll. And asleep she is now, hopefully a full night tonight.

Thanks for the read, more information about Shauna's procedure on Thursday will come as soon as I get the go-ahead.

Kelly

pillows of thoughts

Being here, being in this isn't easy. Its such a hard task, fighting a battle in faith that you'll win but deep down inside you know that there is this practical chance of you not making it. The biggest battle is fighting that thought, because if you let your guard down for one little second it will eat you! That's doubt, it takes away every bit of fighting faith you have and you got to fight it harder than fighting this disease itself.

But believing! Believing is the key, you got to believe! Believe in your doctors, believe in their oath, believe in your friends and family, believe in their strength, believe in your dreams, believe in its hope for tomorrow, believe in yourself, believe in the power you have. Its all about believing. If you keep that, you'll be guaranteed you have your strength. Believing won't magically take away your cancer, won't take away your endless days and nights in pain, it won't stop you from throwing up all the time, but believing helps. It gives you something to fight for. it clears your head.

I should have died 8 years ago, I didn't, that's what gives me hope. I didn't because my purpose was bigger and that's what I believe. So you, that's reading this.. Yes, YOU! You have a purpose too, and you have to hold on to it, nourish it, treat it, respect it and believe in it. That's how you get through everyday, you believe in it.

- that was the email I promised! She titles all these emails pillow talk. Its quite beautiful if you read them more often and what's nice is these associations send it across to their mailing list such as families, patients, survivors, and the list goes on. Maybe I should post more of it here? To keep you all more inspired by her? Well not that you need it from what I hear! I am off again to sort out some things at home and back in the morning with a fresh smoothie.

Thanks for reading :-)

Kelly

a gift

The hardest thing I will ever have to do is get a gift for someone. Does anyone out there feel the same? Its such a problematic thing. Some people just aren't made to get people gifts, I'm just the type of person who will give anyone just a shopping voucher, its the first thing I think of when someone's birthday comes up or something. And when it comes to Christmas or my partner's birthday, I tend to take her a few weeks before to a shopping center and see what she wants. And then I'll secretly buy it and she'll be happy, but I hate getting other people things. Its my thought for the day, only beccause its my partner's mother's birthday. SUCKS!

Well back to our lovely sweetheart. Shauna is doing okay, considering all her throwing up today. She's not felt too great but she's trying her best to piece herself through. Also, today she decided to send her email to various associations supporting her. There are quite a few cancer organizations supporting cancer patients and Shauna's on the support list with many of them. She sends them feedback on how she's doing when she gets the chance and also she sends some messages and poems and inspiring thoughts for them to send around to others in support as well. Perhaps in the morning, I'll include it on this blog as an update? We'll see...

Dr Adams has been in here quite often today to check on his favorite superhero. And he said that he'd be doing more regular checks. We'll be all meeting together on Friday afternoon to discuss somethings. And it seems like Dr Elche has received the go ahead for the trials to run with more patients. We're going to see how it works out, hopefully things work out better with Shauna. This was just a quick pop in, sorry guys I have been so busy with new things that are just driving me crazy. Dr Elche and I will meet later, yes later, that is only if Shauna manages to sleep the entire night without getting sick to discuss all our things.

For now, I need some sleep :-) thanks for reading

Kellz :)

awareness

Hello all

So today, Dr Elche had to be the bearer of bad news. Shauna now has stage 4 cancer. She has given consent for me to post this blog with all the information in it.

Stage four leukemia is a challenge for all doctors involved. Right now, Shauna's body is unable to cope with any further stress we may put it under, thus for now, we will only be continuing treatments and daily physio. We'll take no further action unless the immediate circumstance gives way for any other surgical procedure. Right now, we all just hope. - Dr Adams (I begged to quote him on the blog).

Well, Shauna's mind hasn't changed much after Dr Elche gave her this bad bundle of crap news. She's still in the fight and we're all supporting her. For now, Dr Elche has amended the shifts for the next few weeks. And we'll be taking things carefully around here. Being at her side and taking constant notes (as if we don't do that enough already). For those of you who are confused about how to react, how to be around her, how to approach things. Don't be, just be yourselves. Be there for her, comfort her, distract her sometimes, let her know you're there, talk to her, give her a reason for hope, inspire her, motivate her, make her smile, make her laugh, let her feel loved, care for her, just don't avoid her! She's still very much the same person. Respect her for her decision to keep on fighting, its a brave choice. Also, don't be afraid to ask her things about her situation and Dr Elche has said if you have any questions or concerns, you are most welcome to let him know and he will assist you as far as possible.

On another note, a local church, one that Shauna played in the band for will be having a special prayer service for Shauna and many other patients suffering from cancer on Friday. I know some of you are all far out and many of Shauna's friends are, but I appeal to you all to take part. And this is how:

The service will be a candle lit one, remembering those who have passed on and this will happen at 20:00 our time (Harare +2) and I have no idea of how it will work around the world, please forgive me. But never the less, if you manage to figure it out please at 8PM (our time) light a candle and have just a moment of silence for Shauna and those around the world fighting this fight. Doctors, nurses, patients, those who have lost their lives, those who have lost family and friends and then in a united fight against cancer. It sounds extremely corny, but I'm serious when I say it makes a difference.

Also, we're asking those who are attending the service to wear an orange garment in support and thought of Shauna. Orange is the ribbon colour for leukemia, so we're appealing to as many people as possible to wear an orange garment on friday.

I'm appealing that you try to get as many involved as you can. To show their support for Shauna. She needs it now more than ever.

She unfortunately won't be able to attend the service, however we'll all be here with her as her family goes to church on Friday.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask myself, Shauna or Dr Elche.

Thank you so much for reading.

Kelly :-)

does it say much of me?...

Here's a little poem written by Shauna to start us all off:

Does it say much of me when I smile
Does it say much of me when I weep
Does it say much of me when I wait a while
Does it say much of me when I am weak

Does it say much of me when I break
Does it say much of me when I care
Does it say much of me when I take
Does it say much of me when I dare

Does it say much of me
When the world tears down
And all my walls are crumbling
And my smile turns to a frown

Does it say much of me
When the hero inside falls away
And submits for the human to see
The truth I am, the truth to stay

For all I am is not much of me
I steer the world unmasked and free
I hold my head, my pride, my strength
Till the day, on that day when I meet my death.

So the actual poem is really long, 2 pages in fact. Its Shauna trying to find herself. Not many of you may know this but we do have an external service that provides some support and helps Shauna get "coping skills" for all she's being put through. No, its not a therapist - just so you all understand. And her name is Diana. Diana asked Shauna to put together somehow a way of her showing her feelings about her memories and her being through the trauma. She wrote this. Its her expression and I asked if I could put bits of it on the blog, if you want the entire thing, I'll post it here or Shauna can email you. Comment on the blog or ask her for it...

She's much better today, or at least since this afternoon. Maybe the Kryptonite's starting to finally wear off? Who knows. And yesterday, she had such an inspiring visit from Tyler who has his final chemo tomorrow. Another survivor against cancer! Something to definitely celebrate! Even if its just one, that one can make a difference to many.

We'll be continuing with treatments for the week and physio too. Monday we'll do some tests on her. And I will post those results when I get them probably Thursday or Friday. And I do have some feedback from Dr Elche and Dr Adams to post, I just don't think I should do that now. I need to run off but next update will have all that info

Thanks for reading
Kelly

changing your perspective

Well, sometimes I feel like the world is happening all around me. Don't you ever feel that way? Like there's just so many things happening and you're not a part of it. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes I'm reflective and sometimes I'm just too bothered to even care. Its just so frustrating. And confusing.

Shauna's motivational talk was postponed today, doctors advised against it and Shauna was in agreement. She said that she doesn't feel much ready to be "out there" yet and is a bit too weak for it to happen. We had some sessions with her which drained her a bit and she had a bit of a sleepless night last night. One minute she was asleep and the next awake, seemed a bit troubled but we didn't push for her to talk, she needs to be able to clarify things herself and if she needs she'll talk.

Also, Shauna had a visator today. Linda, an old friend from primary school. She seemed a bit troubled and told Shauna that her father was diagnosed with colon cancer, and it was at stage four. I think she just needed to try and speak to someone who will be able to answer her honestly. And at the end of their conversation, Linda asked Shauna how she manages to smile and keep her defenses up. Shauna said this (and yes, I wrote it down):

"A smile hides so many things, is deceiving. And the owner of the smile knows that if you look convincing enough people will buy it. Thing is, I don't fake smile. That's just me, I'm an optimist I think I am. Honestly think if I wasn't smiling what difference would that make to my situation? It makes my life so much easier smiling, and why its an honest smile, is because I hope and dream. I know that there are strong chances of me probably dying soon or something like that, and I'm willing to believe that I can change that. If I didn't I wouldn't be much of a hero. You see, if you stand in front of a mirror telling yourself that you're not beautiful long enough, it will happen, you'll feel less worthy and useless and just not beautiful. But if you positively and honestly believe in yourself and walk to your mirror and be positive and say something good about yourself you can change your entire perspective of who you are.

The same goes for my situation. I'm not prepared to give in just because doctors believe I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't, so I smile and tell myself that I can do this. You need to always remember that we're all born with an inner strength that we can use, some call it willpower, some call it persistence, some call it gut and I just call it power. Its in you and your dad. And that's what you use to fight. You don't need a better doctor or a better treatment or to be physically strong, you just need something to believe in. What keeps me going is that there's always another step further you can take. There will always be someone who is willing to take another step further, that's willing to fight harder and if they can do it, so can you.

Think of it like this, it could have been worse. You could have been in Zimbabwe struggling like this and getting off far worse than this and your father could be struggling with medical services. So smile, smile knowing that you've got something that can help you fight and its inside you"

That just made me think a bit about me, and all these things happening. And I realised. I don't need to concern myself like that. The world might happen, but there'll always be a reason for you to smile about something. So smile, its better than spending your life wondering. Time for me to get back to work, I'm so sleepy I wonder if I made any sense tonight.

Thanks for reading
Kellz

I probably cant do it, but I sure as hell wanna try

Well, unfortunately, Shauna's motivational talk has been postponed till tomorrow. And judging by the way she's been feeling today, it may just be postponed till further notice or something. Doctors have decided to proceed with the treatment as was before the procedure. Its taking a bit of a toll on her but with her headaches and dizzy spells gone, this sounds the bells of opportunity. With her back on her treatment schedule, she's weakened a bit and is often too exhausted for anything. She's also doing her physio which has its additional physical effects. Thus she's just very weak and constantly drained.

Don't worry too much, she's still getting her regular dose of healthy smoothies :-) that I can guarantee though she has lost most of her appetite she will have the very occasional smoothie to keep her body's strength up a bit.

She is very ill too and suffers from nausea, fatigue, dizzy spells, the occasional black out, intense pain and this list goes on. So don't feel bad that she's not able to make contact with you much, she just is in too bad a space to keep her head around. She hardly has the consciousness to be around for long here.

So, the title of this blog is:I probably cant do it, but I sure as hell wanna try.

And the reason for that is, just Shauna. That's what she told doctors today, just out of nowhere she says that line. And its so amazing, and powerful. And she's absolutely right. They asked Shauna about possibly performing another procedure. For Shauna's ease of mind, doctors ensured that Shauna's general practitioner and previous oncologist were present to give her their input and direction. The procedure's a bit complicated to explain right now however I have asked Dr Elche to explain it to me when he has a free minute. I don't even know what its called. But Dr Adams told me what they discussed and that was her reply.

She's always so driven, by what I am yet to learn but she'll do it and jump right in. Anything to fight back. Its so amazing knowing someone like this. She's probably right too. I know that Dr Adams said that this may be a bit risky, but the result has proven itself to be good in the past. But knowing her health is deteriorating and she's so weak, she may not be strong enough for it, but she's willing to do it.

Thanks for reading, I have a meeting with my nurse on duty, will update again soon.

Kelly

Goodbye Lyssa

This morning, before popping into Shauna's room for a visit a nurse logged a distress ring in room 12C. That was Lyssa's room, knowing this I ran to the hallway and standing outside her room I saw her doctor's failed look. Lyssa passed away at 08:53 this morning.

For those who don't know who Lyssa is, she's been a good friend to Shauna since we moved to this hospital. Lyssa had leukemia, and things were pretty bad for her. Shauna met Lyssa on her second day here in the hallway and Lyssa was looking seriously down and sad, like something had bothered her. Shauna randomly started a conversation with her, which cheered her up and like many cancer patients out there she hardly had any support and there was hardly anyone that was simply there for her. Only her mother who was here on the odd occasion. Shauna built a relationship with Lyssa, encouraging her every opportunity she got. And gave Lyssa hope, something that anyone could see Lyssa badly needed. She gave Lyssa a reason to keep smiling and to fight a battle Lyssa was prepared to lose. When Shauna got the chance, she would ask me to take her around there to take a painting or just to simply chat or play her guitar and sing a little song for Lyssa. It was something good for Lyssa and proved her results good. Lyssa's blood pressure reduced to normal, she hardly had panic fits and she was more positive and looked much better than before. Even Lyssa's doctors noted the good influence Shauna had on her. Though doctors stressed that it was too late and were prepared to move her to a hospice for special care, Lyssa was determined, she now had that reason she had been searching for her entire life. When Shauna was in a blanket state, Lyssa would try her best to come around or send her nurse to convey messages. She would tell Shauna in her ear about how much better she's getting and how much she just misses her or simply just updates on her leukemia. The messages she gave Shauna, it was meaningful and grateful and honest. She was a pleasant girl.

When Shauna woke from her coma, even though she barely remembered Lyssa, Lyssa would still come around and talk to her. She rebuilt a relationship with Shauna. A good one. When walking into Shauna's room and telling her, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Shauna is doing okay, I guess that somehow she feels hurt and when I spoke to her before I left, she spoke about Kyle and how much she misses him. And she just said: "I'm fighting, for them. Its that simple. I can't give up, I need to find that fight, the fight that made me win the last time and when I do I know that they will look at me smiling. Its not just my fight. Its a fight for everyone." And that is just Shauna, the real superhero, fighting until the final battle and not backing off for a second.

Lyssa, you are truly missed by all who know you. TeamShauna will fight alongside Shauna and not just for her but for the many others like you, like Kyle and like Shauna. We'll see it through.

Thank you all for reading this and I know that this is a strange request, but please as you've read this, around the world there are so many people suffering from this and they need your support. You don't have to be a donor, you don't have to give money, you can just remember them. Cancer is a disease and the worst thing it affects is the mind. If you ever meet someone who suffers from this, encourage them. Remind them that there is hope and let them know that they are superheroes and they can make it.

On a lighter note, tomorrow we'll be taking Shauna to the offices, she'll be doing a motivational talk and prior to her speech we will try to record it, perhaps an audio or video clip. If you would like a copy, let James know or comment on the blog or ask Shauna or something and we'll send it to you. She said she wouldn't mind.

Thank you so much and have a good night.

Kellz

Shauna!

Another follower!!!! Yay! Helloooooo :-)

I'm so sorry guys, for not updating these past couple of days, oh I'm so damn terrible! I've been so consumed with doing crazy things that I just simply forget...

Now, let's update this blog :)

Shauna, well Shauna is Shauna. I have no idea how she manages all this. Sometimes I want to slap her, really freaking hard and tell her "Helloooooo! Its NOT FUCKING OKAY! FREAK OUT ALREADY!" Seriously! I wish you people could see how calm she is... It will most definitely piss you off too! I shit you not. Sorry for my vile language, well some consider it vile, its not that bad... But seriously, does ANYONE out there understand my frustration. When Shauna does yell or freak out or anything I panic, and feel like jumping off a cliff would be better than there in that moment.

So that's a little Shauna rant... I'm with her now, this is exactly how I feel, like PUNCHING her. That would hurt I know, but its so frustrating. She's sick, treatment has her worn down and she's out of it. Yet, she's here puking whatever she has left lurking in her stomach including some blood (I know, disgusting) but not for one second, not for one moment has she moaned or just expressed herself in pain. Any normal person could see what kind of pain she's in. Yet, she laughs. No, really! She's laughing. She's cracking up random jokes and LAUGHING! And you know what the problem is! As frustrated as I am, I'm LAUGHING TOO! Seriously! This is hilarious!

I'm losing my sanity its the only explanation I have....

So some news you need? Well, pretty much nothing has changed. She refuses pain medication. That's new... Well not NEW but you all understand the old Shauna refused pain medication and the new one well the one who doesn't remember refusing medication would tell us about her pains, yes... Her memory is coming back and with it comes the good old stubborn Shauna. When Dr Adams walked into the room this morning, instantly noticing her cringing in pain, he says "Hey, why haven't you told us anything? Let me get some pain medication for you" and INSTANTLY Shauna replied "I'm not in pain, nope, nothing!" And as the argument went on, Dr Elche replied "Don't even bother, she's refusing pain medication. She'll say soon enough whether she needs it or not" and she's still refusing. Great!

So where was I??? Ooohh yes! She's okay, herself, almost herself! And she's running a normal treatment schedule. Seems like she's actually coping with it. I know what you're thinking, but Dr Elche believes that she's making more progress than before, which is good. Now, she has lots of pain and right now physio is really a tough challenge for her. She badly wants to be able to walk again, but damaged nerves indicate that she's got LOTS of practice ahead of her, also considering how much trauma she has been through, SHAUNA TAKE IT SLOW!

Thanks again for reading, now Dr Elche better post this to TeamShauna on Twitter and then I need to go on my shift :-)

Thanks
Kellz

im bringing crazy back

While the world sings, "I'm bringing sexy back" Shauna goes and says "I'm bringing crazy back" such a true rebel.

Shauna was in such a good mood today, I can't even describe it. She's been up since 5AM (yes, really) and started reading some comic books. Then after that, when my shift started she just sat there smiling like a kid who got a candy stick or something. Seriously! I asked her what's up, why the smiles and then she said it, "ITS MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY!" And me, quietly inside panicking just replies "No, its in November!" And she says, "NO! My other mom,crazyballs" (just so we're all clear, she randomly makes up these strange words and suddenly names us all accordingly "its Angela! She's such an amazing person and she's an inspiration! Someone I really look up to!" She went on and on about talking about Angela all the time!
I didn't mind at all, in fact none of us did, somehow we all love hearing about the people in Shauna's life that contributes to her strength, willpower and level of positivity. Its good to know about these people and Dr Elche makes a note of them all, its generally these people that we refer her to when she's not strong enough to cope or feels down or when she's just exhausted.
And if you're thinking "I hope she feels this way about her mom" don't even think it! Shauna has a respect for her "biological mother" that can't be explained. She loves her and often talks about how thankful she is towards her mother for so many things... So don't you dare...

Angela, if you read this blog, from myself and our team of doctors and nurses here wish you a wonderful and amazing birthday and wish you many more years of happiness and success. We thank you for the wonderful contribution that you have made in Shauna's life and thank you for being such an exceptional role model to her. She is truly a blessed soul to have such a wonderful person in her life.

And to everyone who sometimes feels like they're not doing enough for Shauna's situation, you do more than you need to. Shauna talks about a whole list of people who means the world to her everyday. And these things, this what she feels for you is enough for her to have hope and to have faith that she needs. Just keep believing in her and keep reminding her of why she fights this fight. You have impacted on her by just being there for her and I promise you all, that is more than enough!

Okay, back to the "crazy back" story... Earlier we were talking to Shauna about her "options", now let me explain to you all, Shauna made a deal with us about her test results and so on, in a meeting with her, Dr Elche advised her that this was her decision and choice, and she asked that she stick to it. She still doesn't want any information about test results and so on to be given to her. We respect this decision of hers. In our discussion, Dr Adams was explaining to her the extent of the damage the stroke had caused and how they would be proceeding in terms of her general health, the effects of the stroke and also taking into consideration that leukemia has to be treated at some point. She then agreed to certain plans which will be put in place over the next few weeks going forward.

I will post all this once the doctors have met and I have finalised all the arrangements with the hospital, hopefully this will be tomorrow. But the funny thing was, after our discussion, Shauna just burst into laughter. And I asked what was so funny and she said, 'I'm picturing Dr Eltoe singing "I'm bringing sexy back" back that didn't sound or look right so I pictured me and Dr Eltoe signing "I'm bringing crazy back" together' and she was signing the lyrics to it (well her version) which kind of just cracked us all up.

Thanks for reading, now where do I find Dr Elche to post this to Twitter now! Aaahh there he is :)
Kelly :)

the tale of a hero

Today, while Shauna was waiting to go in for a scan she sat just a bit further down the hallway in her wheelchair. And this was close to one of the waiting rooms. She watched a little boy playing around and his mother frustrating herself. For anyone to be visiting an oncology unit must not be a great feeling so I can probably understand that the mother must have been there waiting in anticipation. But this little boy, probably around 5 or 6 years old, was running around, playing with his cars, and well just much nagging his mom for sweets or something.

I watched Shauna watching him. she called him over, and started a little conversation. His mom was a bit worried, and I just kind of eased her thoughts saying its okay, but Shauna and this little boy were chatting away having their own little conversation. And while they were in conversation she asked him who his visiting and he said it was his brother, he's waiting on his brother to get better so that they can hang out together and his brother can play with him. She said that she was waiting to get better so that she could play with her sisters too. And then she asked if he liked the car he had in his hands and he said he loves it, his brother gave it to him on his birthday saying that one day he can ride a car like that. And her words were:

Do you know Batman? He has a car just like that, its such a cool car and it has so many cool gadgets on it too. And Batman uses it to help him bag all the bad guys. Maybe, just maybe, your brother thinks that you'll be a superhero like Batman one day? You could save the world! And maybe be even better than batman.

This adorable little boy, asked her, do you know any superheroes? And her response was:

Yes, but you can't tell anyone, okay? Maybe your brother, but you can't say a word to anyone else. Okay? (The boy nodded in such excitement). Yes, I am a superhero. Really, you see in battle I got injured so now my superhero doctors are taking care of me, at this hospital they only have superhero doctors and they make sure we're okay so that we can kick all the bad guys butts! I'm serious. I'm just pretending to look so sick for all the visitors because they may just pick up on who I am and bombard me while I'm sick. And I know your brother, he's a secret superhero too. But I can't tell you our hero names, well because its super top secret.

The boy, with a cocky little voice says "but howcome I don't hear about you" and she simply replied "because an honest hero doesn't need the world to know that he or she exists".

That little boy went to sit down next to his mom, quietly and calmly sat there. I suppose he tried to take all this in.

The thing that hit my mind was, she's right! She's a hero and the world doesn't need to know what she does for it, and somehow we all have a bit of hero in us. We can all make a difference and we don't need a red cape or a batmobile or a flashy costume. We gotta help those that need it most. A true hero sacrifices themselves to help another, throws away what they're feeling or what they need to do and just make a difference, one person at a time. She's a real hero, I know that deep down inside she knows it!

why not?

So, Shauna's remembering things. Its good, that just means that the amnesia is temporary. As her memory comes back, her brain is being kept active, good thing. Guys please understand, SHE WON'T SUDDENLY REMEMBER THINGS! It doesn't work that way, right now, its all flowing around her head, and for her to understand everything os still very much IMPOSSIBLE at this stage. I know, its a bit hard but I promise you, pushing her is just not going to be a helpful thing, Shauna's mind still needs to resort all that's coming back. It comes back in flashes and is quite overwhelming, thus she has headaches, dizzy spells, and sometimes, nose bleeds too. Do NOT push her too hard, eventually she will remember.

I had to make mention of it! She had a visitor today, her cousin, who thought that maybe pushing her to remember something would help. It did just the opposite.

Now, let's hit some more pressing issues:

Tomorrow, we have the testing facilities to ourselves, this will be great. I'll be Shauna's side kick for the day. Dr Elche and Dr Salie will be administering all tests and will be running the follow through. Also, from Dr Elche's side, he will no longer fit into a specific shift, it was a combined decision yesterday that Dr Elche will remain on standby and will be called in to assist where needed. Its currently being done in any case. Shauna, however has physio scheduled for 15:00 tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to have the strength needed. We hope she does. Tuesday, we'll have a specialist see her to assist with her memory returning and to help her ease things and thereafter she'll have another physio session with Dan.

Wednesday morning, Shauna's treatment will be administered as per norm, and this time we'll start her off with treatment level as mild as possible and thereafter, we will assess any further steps to be taken. Well the doctors but I'll throw my penny in the pot :)

Thanks for reading :-) more info to come soon, and also I will be posting some information from Dr Elche once he has a moment to spare

Kellz

making progress

I just love this team, all of us work together closely to do whatever we can. With this type of situation we're just all hands on. We're no perfect and sometimes we fail but we work so well together. And I must say Dr Elche you have done an amazing job at keeping us together, you're a good leader. I just to fit that in somewhere.

Now, back to the amazing Shauna.... She's drowsy and lethargic that is probably the reason for her not communicating much. She has tendencies to black out and has been ignorant to her pains that she experiences. The medication given to her to ease her pains are helping too. Right now, she's taking a nap and I thought it the best time to post an update to her blog. With all the trauma her body has endured, she needs her sleep. Its important for her to rest, to gather strength but Shauna, nooo she's rebellious she doesn't want to rest, she fights her sleep more than anything else.

Today was good though, this afternoon we removed her oxygen pump and she feels so much more relieved. Dr Elche said that she's slowly gathering her strength back together with her willpower. He's arranged for Dan to come around on Monday to work with her again, 30 minutes per day for next week and they'll see how it progresses thereafter. Also next week, we may be starting her treatments up again, we cannot neglect the potential of her leukemia getting worse as it already is. Since last night, Shauna hasn't been feeling too great due to nausea creeping up on her, and with that she's been throwing up some amounts of blood which has taken away her appetite. Though I need to say that for the past two days, she had been eating quite a bit, well not really much however she has at least a plate of food everyday, unlike the days when she'll only eat certain things.

That's all from me for now, another one will come soon.

shauna

Woah! Too busy for time itself, I started typing up a blog update then accidentally deleted it in my rush to get things done. How dumb! Anyhoo... I spent some time piecing together all the needs and requirements for Shauna's treatments and scheduling sessions and things and my head is going to blow up if I look at Outlook or Excel again! And with the infamous Dr Elche annoying the life out of me, by calling me every 10 minutes was no joke. Yes Dr Elche! I can't wait till you're back tomorrow....

Maybe I should post a new schedule? Dr Elche... You best approve it or you'll have me and my reader's kicking your butt :-) seriously, let me know if that's all and if there's anything I should add...

Other than my reporting and scheduling and running around, I managed to get an update by Dr Adams to give you all. Since yesterday, Shauna's BP has gone up quite a bit. He met with her this morning about it. She's been having some bad dreams. She says they're not necessarily dreams but somehow something she's seen or experienced that she's just not fully registering. Dr Salie says that chances are, it may be something she's trying to either block out or something she's trying to remember coming back to her thoughts. He'll be arranging sessions with Dr Levine and Dr Eltoe regarding all this. For now, we're going to have a busy few weeks. Shauna's leukemia keeps weakening her (yes, she still has that) and with her being this sick, doctors will be treading carefully. Physio with Shauna will be put on hold, up until her lung muscles' "elasticity" has restored itself - that was Dr Adams words, not mine (sometimes he thinks he's so great he can say things like that) but I suppose all you readers have realised what was meant by that. And once its able to work by itself (without the help of the pump) and then we'll be able to start some form of physio, poor Shauna is so frustrated with not being able to be mobile.

He also said that Shauna's been having nosebleeds, this is very nervy to him. They're going to do scans first thing in the morning, it could be a small bit of nothing or it could be something, we don't know. She's suffered some nausea too, this is being monitored by Dr Adams himself. Dr Elche will be back tomorrow to be there as a support should Dr Adams require.

I have some more info, unfortunately I am unable to do so right now, but soon it will be posted.

Kellsie :-)

pretty much too much

So, I was off yesterday. Dr Elche said that I could have the day off which I needed, but then again who could possibly stay away. I thought yesterday I'd go check up on her and take her one of her favorite smoothies. The smile on my face when she enjoyed it :-) having her back is awesome and for those who feels that her amnesia is too much, think of it this way, you get to relive all your wonderful moments with her.

When sitting with her yesterday, it wasn't really that long but we could speak forever! She's amazing like that, she went through some of the pictures she had and thought of all the things that she felt mean a lot to her. She mentioned that she felt that its by time that she made contact with some of her friends. It was a tough choice, I mean that you know the person and how much that person means to you but still there's parts and things your mind won't let you remember about that person. I asked her to let me know how it went when I get back to the hospital today.

If she made contact with you and you're feeling like you don't know how to handle it, don't freak out! She'll know. Right now, she's in a fragile state of mind and Dr Elche explained to us all so carefully that she's in the very first stages of this, she feels so many things that she's not sure she can explain and sometimes feel like her mind is playing games with her. Don't try to change the way you speak to her, she'll know and if she doesn't remember, she is highly likely to ask you questions. She may not remember certain things, but she remembers you! That's the important thing. Don't also push her to remember things, she won't! She'll feel pressured and her mind won't open up to the idea or memory of it.

Don't shun her down! Don't! Her emotions are what drives her now, any negative feeling may be detrimental to her health.

Other than this, I'm heading to the hospital in about an hour and will have an update for you all when I've gone through and spoken to everyone. We'll probably be a bit busy and Dr Elche is in Johannesburg with our sponsors that pays my wonderful salary :-)

Thank you all for the support and for reading, till later...

report from Dr Elche

I'm with Shauna now, we're just sitting here talking. She's going through some emails to get some part of her memory back. I think she's just frustrating herself here because she's trying too hard. But that's her, stubborn as hell.

So Dr Elche has given me some info to post here for you all, and here it goes:

Shauna's has absolutely no feeling in her left leg, she's unable to move it. This Dan will have to treat with intense physiotherapy and to be consistently monitored and observed by Dr Eltoe. Also Dr Adams has noticed that at certain points of emotional stress, Shauna's right hand thumb keeps flickering. Dr Adams will be assessing this. As for other pains, she still feels much nausea however pains and nausea have cleared up a bit due to medication given to her.

As for her amnesia, this is the big question everyone has, yes its bad. However, Dr Elche stresses that you need to remember and understand that she has only woken up today and may just be overwhelmed. This may lead to her not responding to certain familiarities. With this doctors do know that to an extent her amnesia is not as bad as it seems. They will be taking care of her. And checking up on this as much possible. Dr Adams says that he may need to do some scans to determine some answers to questions.

The effect of Shauna's stroke is clear, however there are still many unanswered questions. There is confirmation that she does suffer from amnesia, like I mentioned before its the extent we are concerned about. Aside from that, her chest pains are much lighter. We all need to get together with her to discuss all these things.

Okay, I really gotta go :-)

See you all. I'll send your love

wakey wakey

And she's AWAKE!!! This might just be my happiest blog update ever. Phew! What a stressful week! She's awake! Awake! Awake! Princess Shauna's AWAKE!

At 08:55 while I was in the kitchen Dr Elche was asleep at her side and I hear a scream and in my freaked out state of mind, I just ran down the hall. And there she was. Screaming load in pain and Dr Elche trying to calm her down. I immediately called Dr Salie & Dr Adams to get there to help. I went into the room and inside I'm freaking out because of the way she's screaming and tears are streaming down her face. I froze for a second and Dr Elche kept telling me to make her comfortable. Dr Adams and Dr Eltoe like ran into the room to help her. I stood outside and watched while they were busy. I could have had a damn heart attack in all this!

Dr Elche is still busy with her now and so is Dr Adams. She's not screaming anymore however you can see that brave face she's holding. This is so hard for her, she can't move her left leg and her body hurts like hell. But that brave face is back, that face that makes things seem so much simpler, that face that holds back everything happening inside. She's so fucking amazing (sorry, it had to be said). I really feel for her family, her mother just left, seeing this is just too much and her brother, he's trying his best to be there for his mom. Its such a tough experience for any family, so overwhelming. Alex, she's in there holding Shauna's hand. We let Alex in to do this because its a comforting thing to her. Alex always has the perfect thing to say to Shauna.

For her family this must have been the hardest thing to experience. Seeing someone so strong break that way from pain, is no easy task for any human. And for her mother to be there, makes her a brave woman. Right now, Alex is talking to her which seems to be helping. She's randomly telling Shauna random things, and being an amazing friend. Thank you Alex, I really have no clue how you handle it. Here I am, spent four years learning to control my emotions and I still can't.

So I'm updating the blog now, because I will be on shift later and honestly I was so excited to post that she's awake :-) and Dr Adams has said that he'll need me to be available to help him.

So, now that Dr Elche is out, he said that she's awake and they have given her medication to ease her pains and to help her deal with the nausea and dizzy spells. However she may suffer from amnesia. Though a mild version. They don't know how bad it is, they only know that its there. They are with her now and Dr Elche can't give me any more info now. I'll probably get it all in our meeting now.

Oh no! That's NOW! I need to go.

Thanks for reading again :-)

on a lighter note...

So Shauna's still not up yet. We're still here. There was a huge accident on the main road and there were some casualties, so some of our doctors were asked to assist. Dr Elche stayed behind and we're only 3 here. Luckily its not too far away so if anything happens, we can call them in.

And now the few of us are half asleep and in our bored state of minds, we decided to just sit back and talk about our special "Shauna moments". Yes, we have many of them. Shauna is one of those people that just manage somehow to turn the worst possible situation into something easier to deal with. So here's some of our magical moments with Shauna:

When Shauna first did the identification check with Home Affairs and it declared her deceased, she yelled so loud. When she called Home Affairs, the poor woman on the other end of the line.... The more she tried to explain to Shauna, the more Shauna was yelling at her that she's alive. Such a special moment.

Her best falling down moment? When we were in the other hospital, Shauna was trying to explain to the nurse on duty that the wet mark on the floor is dangerous. The nurse understood but she was busy and said she'll call a cleaner, but NO, Shauna had to explain and illustrate. When she turned around in frustration she slipped and fell. Not too hard, but then she turned to the nurse and said, "someone could have died there!" And when the nurse finally agreed to clean it up, she got back up walked and slipped again.

Her best sneak off? Shauna has this habbit of sneaking out of her room and visiting other patients or walking around the hospital, sitting on the roof or just randomly hanging around people. One day she couldn't find her wheelchair, somehow managed to get off her bed, crawled to the closet and found crutches. She then snuck out and grabbed a lab coat, walked around the hospital and randomly conversed with patients in other wards. She was gone from her room for 2 hours. And there was another incident when Shauna also grabbed a labcoat and disappeared. With that, we still don't know where she went. About an hour later, she returned to her room.

Best wheelchair moment? She loves a wheelchair, not because she wasn't able to walk, but just for the fun of racing other people in wheelchairs. She even made me do that a few times. Yes, she made me and well everyone do that. Weird, but fun. Best wheelchair moment was when she raced for charity. She lost but raised R2500.00 for disabled children. Great job Shauna!

I need to go now :-) sorry, maybe I'll find the time to post more soon.

Kellz

We have a plan

So, this morning we met together. Dr Elche found it very important to discuss any plan of action should Shauna awake from her blanket state. Now, this is becoming a BIG if! Especially considering that she has been this way all week. Dr Salie & Dr Moolla advised that we need to ensure that she has full brain capacity when she wakes, thus we're monitoring her reactions, etc.

As per Dr Elche, should she wake, she would experience immediate discomfort. This would be due to pains she will have, she will feel a rush of various sensations, even breathing may be a discomfort. She will be disoriented and confusion may be the cause to a light panic attack on her side. Dr Salie's words were, "take caution with her, she may hurt herself in the panic" and do not shove her around or hold her down. Speak to her and hold her hand, do things that adds familiarity to her. She might also suffer mild amnesia, we don't know how serious it could be but its very much possible.

So that's what we are expecting and are preparing ourselves for worst case scenario. What we will have to do when Shauna's calm enough is to run as many tests possible to assess how things are going with her and what steps these wonderful doctors need to take. Dr Elche has put a plan together involving each one of us and a step by step plan for when she wakes up. Shauna would be so proud of him. Our sponsors are here today (just great!) and I have to behave myself, maybe another update later :-)

Thanks for reading

working hard

Today was surprisingly busy. For someone who's asleep Shauna keeps us all relatively busy. Aside from concerned family members, we had no surprise visitors today. And we had some tests that was to be run. This is just some feedback from Dr Elche.

Shauna had some bruising that reflected she had internal bleeding, for this we had stopped it this morning and she's still asleep! Dr Elche and Dr Adams done some tests today to see her reaction to things, its just something to see how the stroke may have affected her. These were minor tests, a prick in all fingers and toes, an ice block on her arms and legs and just simple things to see her reactions to it. Usually the muscles react immediately without your conscience intervening, they tighten and become stiff. This happened with everything but her leg. She may have nerve damage there however doctors will have to run tests to observe. Tomorrow morning we have a meeting at 08:00 to discuss movement forward. Dan, Shauna's physio therapist will work with her neurologist to find ways of helping Shauna. Hopefully, she recovers from this state.

For now, I need to sleep. Its been exhausting and my head hurts.

I will post more info as soon as I can.

Kellz :-)

an update

After a very long meeting with the doctors this afternoon, I am exhausted! So tired. Before I get to the update info, I just had to share this. Today, some school friends of Shauna came around. Bringing positive thoughts, thanks to her friend Alex. We had a room with 25 school friends of Shauna including the principal of her school all wearing their school uniform talking to her. Each of them telling her how she's impacted on their lives. It was so amazing, a real superhero. Helping people and saving the world the way she knows best. I was stunned. One of the students read her this beautiful poem and this piece just stuck out for me:

This path I go with my eyes closed
My armor shining, I am fully clothed
For battle my is ready for
I can fight, say no more
I believe in who I am today
For my head, heart and soul are guided that way.

Such a beautiful piece. I know somehow she heard it, there was no miraculous reaction, there was no sudden breathes that she took, she didn't suddenly wake up, but I know, I just know she heard it.

And on that note, here's Dr Elche's report of Shauna's current state. Please note that the information that I am giving is factual, and I have Shauna's consent to post this. And just so that we're clear, I'm not posting the full report as some of the information may be of a sensitive nature and before posting that I would need further consent from Shauna, well or her medical signatory in the event she's incapacitated. (Sorry, I always wanted to put together my own disclaimer).

During the surgical procedure, Shauna suffered a minor stroke. This was confirmed today. This is the reason for her blanket state. Though both clots have been removed, the stroke has impacted on her body and has caused sever damage. Unfortunately Dr Levine and I were unable to operate any further due to Shauna's condition. We have to monitor the situation carefully as we can verify that she is NOT in a coma, thus we have hope. She still has much recovery and we are only able to assess the severity of the damage once she is awake, such as physical pains and damaged arteries. There is stoll the risk that Shauna may slip into a coma however our specialists are carefully monitoring to ensure that this does not happen without us being aware.

Also, *just off the record* Shauna's heart rate pushed up last night and though it came back down again, Dr Elche has said that it is a good thing, somehow she's responding and this confirms that she is just in a blanket state and NOT a coma.

That's the update for now.

If I do have any further information, either I will post or Dr Elche will let everyone know.

Thank you for taking the time and loving her like you do.

just quiet day

Yip! A quiet day, too quiet. And not in such a wonderful way.

We had some shuffling around this morning discussing what we can and can't do, but still it just can't fill up our day. I'm even updating my blog now, why? Because there is nothing I can do and I HATE it! And poor Dr Elche, I'm so heartbroken when I see him. He hasn't left Shauna's room, aside from now to be in a meeting, but he just cannot find himself to leave her side. Its sweet, but heartbreaking at the same time. Just watching him there makes you crumble.

All we can do right now is make her comfortable, keep her in as little pain as possible and hope that she will wake up soon. I guess it was all too much for her. Our shifts have changed. We now have 6 hour shifts, making it a shorter time and my shift ended 2 hours ago and I can't seem to find myself away. We've set the television for her shows like The Justice League, Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern; and then reading her comic books to her and of course playing her music, 30 Seconds to Mars on repeat. I swear I know all the words already. I played some odd songs that I know she loves, still, nothing. I do this in hope that somehow she hears it and gets out of her blanket state. I know that it sounds corny like from movies or something but I just can't help but try.

she's just there and I can do nothing to change it.

*sigh*

I titled this blog "sigh" because that's how we all feel. Each of us today are so tired and exhausted, its ridiculous! Woah! What a day?! I don't think any of us could have survived this day unprepared.

So yeah, we were up at 04:30 this morning. At least I was. I couldn't sleep any further, I went to Shauna's room and it seemed like she had some difficulties sleeping too. I sat with her up until 05:45 and realised I had to be ready by 06:00, I rushed back and got myself done and by the time I reached her room, some of the doctors were there already, waiting on my. We arranged for some med students to come in today to observe. Dr Elche does this from time - to - time. He feels that its best we show them than they just learn. Shauna felt a bit overwhelmed, she used to it but today it seemed like her nerves got the best of her. I called Dr Elche and he was already up and busy since 5AM! That's him! He said he just needed to review some notes and will be in to wish Shauna well as soon as he could.

Shauna, ever brave, put on her soldier's face today. She even gave us all a pep talk before her anesthetic. She said thank you to us all, and that she was ready, come what may. Dr Elche sat from the viewing box, taking notes and piecing things together. And suddenly, the monitors went crazy and all I heard was this beeping buzz everywhere. I held my cool and went on but I think anyone could see the panic on my face. Dr Adams told me to help Dr Elche clear up and get into the operating room. Shauna was having a seizure. More like a panic attack but it was serious. Her entire body shook uncontrollably and by the time I reached the door, Dr Elche was almost ready to walk in. He told me to hang shift and let Nicole in to assist for the while. I felt so helpless, and I could imagine how he must have felt that very second he saw it. I saw him standing at her side, with Dr Adams and Dr Levine to bring her seizure down and as he was there he mumbled to her, I couldn't make out what he was saying, but I think deep down inside Shauna understood. He seizure didn't last that long but it caused severe damage especially since she was being operated on.

I freaked out on my side, which was outside and took a walk. When I went back I still wasn't allowed in. And Dr Elche was helping to operate. Eventually they got things clear, almost 10 hours later. I could see the concern on all their faces walking out. By then I was back in the OR helping with the clean up and preparing to take Shauna back to her room.

I spoke to Dr Elche who said that Shauna's weak right now, she's exhausted and sadly she's not breathing on her own. We've set up an oxygen pump and she will be monitored tonight. And for now, she's in a deep state of sleep, not necessarily a coma but bordering one. The ever exhausted Dr Elche is asleep right now, on a couch holding her hand. When I have more information from him tomorrow, I'll post something again.

Thank you all for your support and for reading :-)