Well, sometimes I feel like the world is happening all around me. Don't you ever feel that way? Like there's just so many things happening and you're not a part of it. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes I'm reflective and sometimes I'm just too bothered to even care. Its just so frustrating. And confusing.
Shauna's motivational talk was postponed today, doctors advised against it and Shauna was in agreement. She said that she doesn't feel much ready to be "out there" yet and is a bit too weak for it to happen. We had some sessions with her which drained her a bit and she had a bit of a sleepless night last night. One minute she was asleep and the next awake, seemed a bit troubled but we didn't push for her to talk, she needs to be able to clarify things herself and if she needs she'll talk.
Also, Shauna had a visator today. Linda, an old friend from primary school. She seemed a bit troubled and told Shauna that her father was diagnosed with colon cancer, and it was at stage four. I think she just needed to try and speak to someone who will be able to answer her honestly. And at the end of their conversation, Linda asked Shauna how she manages to smile and keep her defenses up. Shauna said this (and yes, I wrote it down):
"A smile hides so many things, is deceiving. And the owner of the smile knows that if you look convincing enough people will buy it. Thing is, I don't fake smile. That's just me, I'm an optimist I think I am. Honestly think if I wasn't smiling what difference would that make to my situation? It makes my life so much easier smiling, and why its an honest smile, is because I hope and dream. I know that there are strong chances of me probably dying soon or something like that, and I'm willing to believe that I can change that. If I didn't I wouldn't be much of a hero. You see, if you stand in front of a mirror telling yourself that you're not beautiful long enough, it will happen, you'll feel less worthy and useless and just not beautiful. But if you positively and honestly believe in yourself and walk to your mirror and be positive and say something good about yourself you can change your entire perspective of who you are.
The same goes for my situation. I'm not prepared to give in just because doctors believe I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't, so I smile and tell myself that I can do this. You need to always remember that we're all born with an inner strength that we can use, some call it willpower, some call it persistence, some call it gut and I just call it power. Its in you and your dad. And that's what you use to fight. You don't need a better doctor or a better treatment or to be physically strong, you just need something to believe in. What keeps me going is that there's always another step further you can take. There will always be someone who is willing to take another step further, that's willing to fight harder and if they can do it, so can you.
Think of it like this, it could have been worse. You could have been in Zimbabwe struggling like this and getting off far worse than this and your father could be struggling with medical services. So smile, smile knowing that you've got something that can help you fight and its inside you"
That just made me think a bit about me, and all these things happening. And I realised. I don't need to concern myself like that. The world might happen, but there'll always be a reason for you to smile about something. So smile, its better than spending your life wondering. Time for me to get back to work, I'm so sleepy I wonder if I made any sense tonight.
Thanks for reading
Kellz
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