I probably cant do it, but I sure as hell wanna try

Well, unfortunately, Shauna's motivational talk has been postponed till tomorrow. And judging by the way she's been feeling today, it may just be postponed till further notice or something. Doctors have decided to proceed with the treatment as was before the procedure. Its taking a bit of a toll on her but with her headaches and dizzy spells gone, this sounds the bells of opportunity. With her back on her treatment schedule, she's weakened a bit and is often too exhausted for anything. She's also doing her physio which has its additional physical effects. Thus she's just very weak and constantly drained.

Don't worry too much, she's still getting her regular dose of healthy smoothies :-) that I can guarantee though she has lost most of her appetite she will have the very occasional smoothie to keep her body's strength up a bit.

She is very ill too and suffers from nausea, fatigue, dizzy spells, the occasional black out, intense pain and this list goes on. So don't feel bad that she's not able to make contact with you much, she just is in too bad a space to keep her head around. She hardly has the consciousness to be around for long here.

So, the title of this blog is:I probably cant do it, but I sure as hell wanna try.

And the reason for that is, just Shauna. That's what she told doctors today, just out of nowhere she says that line. And its so amazing, and powerful. And she's absolutely right. They asked Shauna about possibly performing another procedure. For Shauna's ease of mind, doctors ensured that Shauna's general practitioner and previous oncologist were present to give her their input and direction. The procedure's a bit complicated to explain right now however I have asked Dr Elche to explain it to me when he has a free minute. I don't even know what its called. But Dr Adams told me what they discussed and that was her reply.

She's always so driven, by what I am yet to learn but she'll do it and jump right in. Anything to fight back. Its so amazing knowing someone like this. She's probably right too. I know that Dr Adams said that this may be a bit risky, but the result has proven itself to be good in the past. But knowing her health is deteriorating and she's so weak, she may not be strong enough for it, but she's willing to do it.

Thanks for reading, I have a meeting with my nurse on duty, will update again soon.

Kelly

Goodbye Lyssa

This morning, before popping into Shauna's room for a visit a nurse logged a distress ring in room 12C. That was Lyssa's room, knowing this I ran to the hallway and standing outside her room I saw her doctor's failed look. Lyssa passed away at 08:53 this morning.

For those who don't know who Lyssa is, she's been a good friend to Shauna since we moved to this hospital. Lyssa had leukemia, and things were pretty bad for her. Shauna met Lyssa on her second day here in the hallway and Lyssa was looking seriously down and sad, like something had bothered her. Shauna randomly started a conversation with her, which cheered her up and like many cancer patients out there she hardly had any support and there was hardly anyone that was simply there for her. Only her mother who was here on the odd occasion. Shauna built a relationship with Lyssa, encouraging her every opportunity she got. And gave Lyssa hope, something that anyone could see Lyssa badly needed. She gave Lyssa a reason to keep smiling and to fight a battle Lyssa was prepared to lose. When Shauna got the chance, she would ask me to take her around there to take a painting or just to simply chat or play her guitar and sing a little song for Lyssa. It was something good for Lyssa and proved her results good. Lyssa's blood pressure reduced to normal, she hardly had panic fits and she was more positive and looked much better than before. Even Lyssa's doctors noted the good influence Shauna had on her. Though doctors stressed that it was too late and were prepared to move her to a hospice for special care, Lyssa was determined, she now had that reason she had been searching for her entire life. When Shauna was in a blanket state, Lyssa would try her best to come around or send her nurse to convey messages. She would tell Shauna in her ear about how much better she's getting and how much she just misses her or simply just updates on her leukemia. The messages she gave Shauna, it was meaningful and grateful and honest. She was a pleasant girl.

When Shauna woke from her coma, even though she barely remembered Lyssa, Lyssa would still come around and talk to her. She rebuilt a relationship with Shauna. A good one. When walking into Shauna's room and telling her, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Shauna is doing okay, I guess that somehow she feels hurt and when I spoke to her before I left, she spoke about Kyle and how much she misses him. And she just said: "I'm fighting, for them. Its that simple. I can't give up, I need to find that fight, the fight that made me win the last time and when I do I know that they will look at me smiling. Its not just my fight. Its a fight for everyone." And that is just Shauna, the real superhero, fighting until the final battle and not backing off for a second.

Lyssa, you are truly missed by all who know you. TeamShauna will fight alongside Shauna and not just for her but for the many others like you, like Kyle and like Shauna. We'll see it through.

Thank you all for reading this and I know that this is a strange request, but please as you've read this, around the world there are so many people suffering from this and they need your support. You don't have to be a donor, you don't have to give money, you can just remember them. Cancer is a disease and the worst thing it affects is the mind. If you ever meet someone who suffers from this, encourage them. Remind them that there is hope and let them know that they are superheroes and they can make it.

On a lighter note, tomorrow we'll be taking Shauna to the offices, she'll be doing a motivational talk and prior to her speech we will try to record it, perhaps an audio or video clip. If you would like a copy, let James know or comment on the blog or ask Shauna or something and we'll send it to you. She said she wouldn't mind.

Thank you so much and have a good night.

Kellz

Shauna!

Another follower!!!! Yay! Helloooooo :-)

I'm so sorry guys, for not updating these past couple of days, oh I'm so damn terrible! I've been so consumed with doing crazy things that I just simply forget...

Now, let's update this blog :)

Shauna, well Shauna is Shauna. I have no idea how she manages all this. Sometimes I want to slap her, really freaking hard and tell her "Helloooooo! Its NOT FUCKING OKAY! FREAK OUT ALREADY!" Seriously! I wish you people could see how calm she is... It will most definitely piss you off too! I shit you not. Sorry for my vile language, well some consider it vile, its not that bad... But seriously, does ANYONE out there understand my frustration. When Shauna does yell or freak out or anything I panic, and feel like jumping off a cliff would be better than there in that moment.

So that's a little Shauna rant... I'm with her now, this is exactly how I feel, like PUNCHING her. That would hurt I know, but its so frustrating. She's sick, treatment has her worn down and she's out of it. Yet, she's here puking whatever she has left lurking in her stomach including some blood (I know, disgusting) but not for one second, not for one moment has she moaned or just expressed herself in pain. Any normal person could see what kind of pain she's in. Yet, she laughs. No, really! She's laughing. She's cracking up random jokes and LAUGHING! And you know what the problem is! As frustrated as I am, I'm LAUGHING TOO! Seriously! This is hilarious!

I'm losing my sanity its the only explanation I have....

So some news you need? Well, pretty much nothing has changed. She refuses pain medication. That's new... Well not NEW but you all understand the old Shauna refused pain medication and the new one well the one who doesn't remember refusing medication would tell us about her pains, yes... Her memory is coming back and with it comes the good old stubborn Shauna. When Dr Adams walked into the room this morning, instantly noticing her cringing in pain, he says "Hey, why haven't you told us anything? Let me get some pain medication for you" and INSTANTLY Shauna replied "I'm not in pain, nope, nothing!" And as the argument went on, Dr Elche replied "Don't even bother, she's refusing pain medication. She'll say soon enough whether she needs it or not" and she's still refusing. Great!

So where was I??? Ooohh yes! She's okay, herself, almost herself! And she's running a normal treatment schedule. Seems like she's actually coping with it. I know what you're thinking, but Dr Elche believes that she's making more progress than before, which is good. Now, she has lots of pain and right now physio is really a tough challenge for her. She badly wants to be able to walk again, but damaged nerves indicate that she's got LOTS of practice ahead of her, also considering how much trauma she has been through, SHAUNA TAKE IT SLOW!

Thanks again for reading, now Dr Elche better post this to TeamShauna on Twitter and then I need to go on my shift :-)

Thanks
Kellz

im bringing crazy back

While the world sings, "I'm bringing sexy back" Shauna goes and says "I'm bringing crazy back" such a true rebel.

Shauna was in such a good mood today, I can't even describe it. She's been up since 5AM (yes, really) and started reading some comic books. Then after that, when my shift started she just sat there smiling like a kid who got a candy stick or something. Seriously! I asked her what's up, why the smiles and then she said it, "ITS MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY!" And me, quietly inside panicking just replies "No, its in November!" And she says, "NO! My other mom,crazyballs" (just so we're all clear, she randomly makes up these strange words and suddenly names us all accordingly "its Angela! She's such an amazing person and she's an inspiration! Someone I really look up to!" She went on and on about talking about Angela all the time!
I didn't mind at all, in fact none of us did, somehow we all love hearing about the people in Shauna's life that contributes to her strength, willpower and level of positivity. Its good to know about these people and Dr Elche makes a note of them all, its generally these people that we refer her to when she's not strong enough to cope or feels down or when she's just exhausted.
And if you're thinking "I hope she feels this way about her mom" don't even think it! Shauna has a respect for her "biological mother" that can't be explained. She loves her and often talks about how thankful she is towards her mother for so many things... So don't you dare...

Angela, if you read this blog, from myself and our team of doctors and nurses here wish you a wonderful and amazing birthday and wish you many more years of happiness and success. We thank you for the wonderful contribution that you have made in Shauna's life and thank you for being such an exceptional role model to her. She is truly a blessed soul to have such a wonderful person in her life.

And to everyone who sometimes feels like they're not doing enough for Shauna's situation, you do more than you need to. Shauna talks about a whole list of people who means the world to her everyday. And these things, this what she feels for you is enough for her to have hope and to have faith that she needs. Just keep believing in her and keep reminding her of why she fights this fight. You have impacted on her by just being there for her and I promise you all, that is more than enough!

Okay, back to the "crazy back" story... Earlier we were talking to Shauna about her "options", now let me explain to you all, Shauna made a deal with us about her test results and so on, in a meeting with her, Dr Elche advised her that this was her decision and choice, and she asked that she stick to it. She still doesn't want any information about test results and so on to be given to her. We respect this decision of hers. In our discussion, Dr Adams was explaining to her the extent of the damage the stroke had caused and how they would be proceeding in terms of her general health, the effects of the stroke and also taking into consideration that leukemia has to be treated at some point. She then agreed to certain plans which will be put in place over the next few weeks going forward.

I will post all this once the doctors have met and I have finalised all the arrangements with the hospital, hopefully this will be tomorrow. But the funny thing was, after our discussion, Shauna just burst into laughter. And I asked what was so funny and she said, 'I'm picturing Dr Eltoe singing "I'm bringing sexy back" back that didn't sound or look right so I pictured me and Dr Eltoe signing "I'm bringing crazy back" together' and she was signing the lyrics to it (well her version) which kind of just cracked us all up.

Thanks for reading, now where do I find Dr Elche to post this to Twitter now! Aaahh there he is :)
Kelly :)

the tale of a hero

Today, while Shauna was waiting to go in for a scan she sat just a bit further down the hallway in her wheelchair. And this was close to one of the waiting rooms. She watched a little boy playing around and his mother frustrating herself. For anyone to be visiting an oncology unit must not be a great feeling so I can probably understand that the mother must have been there waiting in anticipation. But this little boy, probably around 5 or 6 years old, was running around, playing with his cars, and well just much nagging his mom for sweets or something.

I watched Shauna watching him. she called him over, and started a little conversation. His mom was a bit worried, and I just kind of eased her thoughts saying its okay, but Shauna and this little boy were chatting away having their own little conversation. And while they were in conversation she asked him who his visiting and he said it was his brother, he's waiting on his brother to get better so that they can hang out together and his brother can play with him. She said that she was waiting to get better so that she could play with her sisters too. And then she asked if he liked the car he had in his hands and he said he loves it, his brother gave it to him on his birthday saying that one day he can ride a car like that. And her words were:

Do you know Batman? He has a car just like that, its such a cool car and it has so many cool gadgets on it too. And Batman uses it to help him bag all the bad guys. Maybe, just maybe, your brother thinks that you'll be a superhero like Batman one day? You could save the world! And maybe be even better than batman.

This adorable little boy, asked her, do you know any superheroes? And her response was:

Yes, but you can't tell anyone, okay? Maybe your brother, but you can't say a word to anyone else. Okay? (The boy nodded in such excitement). Yes, I am a superhero. Really, you see in battle I got injured so now my superhero doctors are taking care of me, at this hospital they only have superhero doctors and they make sure we're okay so that we can kick all the bad guys butts! I'm serious. I'm just pretending to look so sick for all the visitors because they may just pick up on who I am and bombard me while I'm sick. And I know your brother, he's a secret superhero too. But I can't tell you our hero names, well because its super top secret.

The boy, with a cocky little voice says "but howcome I don't hear about you" and she simply replied "because an honest hero doesn't need the world to know that he or she exists".

That little boy went to sit down next to his mom, quietly and calmly sat there. I suppose he tried to take all this in.

The thing that hit my mind was, she's right! She's a hero and the world doesn't need to know what she does for it, and somehow we all have a bit of hero in us. We can all make a difference and we don't need a red cape or a batmobile or a flashy costume. We gotta help those that need it most. A true hero sacrifices themselves to help another, throws away what they're feeling or what they need to do and just make a difference, one person at a time. She's a real hero, I know that deep down inside she knows it!

why not?

So, Shauna's remembering things. Its good, that just means that the amnesia is temporary. As her memory comes back, her brain is being kept active, good thing. Guys please understand, SHE WON'T SUDDENLY REMEMBER THINGS! It doesn't work that way, right now, its all flowing around her head, and for her to understand everything os still very much IMPOSSIBLE at this stage. I know, its a bit hard but I promise you, pushing her is just not going to be a helpful thing, Shauna's mind still needs to resort all that's coming back. It comes back in flashes and is quite overwhelming, thus she has headaches, dizzy spells, and sometimes, nose bleeds too. Do NOT push her too hard, eventually she will remember.

I had to make mention of it! She had a visitor today, her cousin, who thought that maybe pushing her to remember something would help. It did just the opposite.

Now, let's hit some more pressing issues:

Tomorrow, we have the testing facilities to ourselves, this will be great. I'll be Shauna's side kick for the day. Dr Elche and Dr Salie will be administering all tests and will be running the follow through. Also, from Dr Elche's side, he will no longer fit into a specific shift, it was a combined decision yesterday that Dr Elche will remain on standby and will be called in to assist where needed. Its currently being done in any case. Shauna, however has physio scheduled for 15:00 tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to have the strength needed. We hope she does. Tuesday, we'll have a specialist see her to assist with her memory returning and to help her ease things and thereafter she'll have another physio session with Dan.

Wednesday morning, Shauna's treatment will be administered as per norm, and this time we'll start her off with treatment level as mild as possible and thereafter, we will assess any further steps to be taken. Well the doctors but I'll throw my penny in the pot :)

Thanks for reading :-) more info to come soon, and also I will be posting some information from Dr Elche once he has a moment to spare

Kellz

making progress

I just love this team, all of us work together closely to do whatever we can. With this type of situation we're just all hands on. We're no perfect and sometimes we fail but we work so well together. And I must say Dr Elche you have done an amazing job at keeping us together, you're a good leader. I just to fit that in somewhere.

Now, back to the amazing Shauna.... She's drowsy and lethargic that is probably the reason for her not communicating much. She has tendencies to black out and has been ignorant to her pains that she experiences. The medication given to her to ease her pains are helping too. Right now, she's taking a nap and I thought it the best time to post an update to her blog. With all the trauma her body has endured, she needs her sleep. Its important for her to rest, to gather strength but Shauna, nooo she's rebellious she doesn't want to rest, she fights her sleep more than anything else.

Today was good though, this afternoon we removed her oxygen pump and she feels so much more relieved. Dr Elche said that she's slowly gathering her strength back together with her willpower. He's arranged for Dan to come around on Monday to work with her again, 30 minutes per day for next week and they'll see how it progresses thereafter. Also next week, we may be starting her treatments up again, we cannot neglect the potential of her leukemia getting worse as it already is. Since last night, Shauna hasn't been feeling too great due to nausea creeping up on her, and with that she's been throwing up some amounts of blood which has taken away her appetite. Though I need to say that for the past two days, she had been eating quite a bit, well not really much however she has at least a plate of food everyday, unlike the days when she'll only eat certain things.

That's all from me for now, another one will come soon.